I grew up always knowing who Jesus was, but I never knew him. I heard the name, I heard the stories, I heard the prayers, but it would take a long time before that truly meant anything to me. I always said that I believed in God, but believing in God without knowing who He is can be dangerous. You get to make Him whatever you want Him to be, and unfortunately that’s what I did. 

This was made worse by all of the struggles I’ve faced throughout my life. Debilitating depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders that led me from one extreme to another, struggles with drinking and getting high, looking for fulfillment through relationships. There were seasons where things seemed to improve, and I would convince myself everything was finally okay. But no matter what I did, I always ended up right back at square one. What I didn’t know at the time, was that I was trying to fill a Christ sized hole in my heart with all these other things. 

A few years back was a period where things were going great for me, I was finally in a healthy relationship, I had my children, I had a good, stable job, I bought a house. There was a lot of pride, I did this, I put myself in this position. Who had time to think about God, or even needed to if I was doing all these things on my own? 

Apparently I did, because just as always, those deep-rooted issues that nothing in the world can fix started to resurface. In what I would describe as the worst year I’ve ever had mentally, I knew something needed to change. All of the things I used to do seemed too self-destructive to try again, so what would actually heal me? 

I had always been drawn to the dark. The occult fascinated me—the power it seemed to offer, the aesthetics, the music, the media I consumed. I even tried astral projection and manifestation, I had protective charms and crystals. Finally it felt like I was in control, creating my own destiny, I was in charge…for a while. But then everything slowly unraveled. My mind began drifting to dark, disturbing, violent places. These were not my thoughts, were they? 

My anxiety and panic attacks got so bad I was put on medication, it didn’t help, and I couldn’t get through a day without an attack that would lead to me crying, hyperventilating and at times even ending up in the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack. My depression grew so heavy that at one point, I attempted, and by the grace of God, failed, to take my own life. These things weren’t helping me; they were destroying me. The patterns became clearer: astral projection led to violent nightmares, and each day I turned to these things, I felt more physically and mentally drained, like I was dying from the inside out.

My turning point, I remember vividly, was sitting in my car after a panic attack in the parking lot of my job, and just feeling so defeated and desperate and truly thinking yet again that it would be better if I just weren’t here. Instead of reaching for anything else, I prayed. Not to the universe, not into the air, but to Jesus Christ to help me because nothing else could. 

And for the first time, real peace settled over me. 

I knew that there was hope for me and that I wasn’t alone. I called on Him and He met me where I was and saved me and I haven’t looked back since. 

It’s been almost 3 years since that day, and I have been spending every day since seeking the Lord and learning as much as I can about Him and His word. As we read in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” I am not the same person who sat in the car that day. There is now a clear before and after in my life. Knowing what I do now, and looking back, I see that the enemy tried so hard to destroy me, but our God is mighty and His grace and deliverance never fail. Satan’s tactic has never been to move us from Christ to evil; it’s to move us from Christ to self, and that’s all that’s needed to set the downward spiral in motion. 

My life now is completely restored and centered around Christ. I have not experienced depression or anxiety, I have not had a single panic attack. I’m sober, I’m not medicated. I’ve started attending church and I want to tell as many people as I can about Jesus. 

No matter where you are, or what you have done, He is waiting for you. You can walk 10,000 steps away from Jesus, but you don’t need to walk 10,000 steps back. Just turn around and He will be there waiting for you with arms open. If you’ve been waiting for the “right time” to come to Jesus – this is it. Right now. He’s not looking for perfection, only your heart. Don’t let shame or fear keep you from the One who already knows everything about you and still calls you His.